That time that I can’t remember very well, but also can’t get out of my mind. It was about 5 or 6 years ago. I was 19 or 20 and living at home. My mom was still walking, barely. She needed to be held up, but she could still sometimes move her legs very slowly.
My parents had just gotten home from being out somewhere, and I was in the kitchen with a close friend that I went to high school with. I don’t think my mom had any caregivers yet, she was still sleeping upstairs in my parents bedroom. Back then, my dad and my younger sister came up with a way to get my mom into her chair and upstairs as easily as possible, which in reality, was still very difficult. The two of them did it together usually, because they were the strongest.
Whenever it came to lifting my mom, I tried to never participate. I had never been very physically strong, and lifting up my moms dead weight was difficult for even my dad to do on his own. Not to mention the one time I tried to lift my mom out of a chair, but I couldn’t hold her, and she fell to the floor. Of course then, I couldn’t get her up off of the floor on my own, and became even more frustrated. All the while my mom just laughed, but the situation made me feel completely useless.
My dad had been struggling to get my mom inside the house on his own. I heard the garage door fly open, and my mom with her slurred speech, was yelling at my dad. He wasn’t holding her up the right way, or something. He got more and more frustrated as he was trying to get her up one step, and into her chair, that would carry her up the stairs to their bedroom. He yelled for me to come and help him, and even though I was terrified ( I knew I wasn’t strong enough to successfully help) I ran over quickly. My mom was yelling, or trying to. She was frustrated, and my dad was trying to hold her up, and understand what she was saying, and getting frustrated too. It was the last place I wanted to be at that moment. I knew I was next to get yelled at.
I can’t remember exactly what was said, but my dad just started screaming at me. I wasn’t holding my mom the right way, the way my sister did it. I wasn’t making it easier, I wasn’t being helpful enough, I was useless. I tried to do everything the right way so I could just be done with it, and escape, but I simply was not strong enough, and I was scared. I didn’t want to drop my mom, or be the reason she was uncomfortable, or piss off my dad any more than I already had. Finally my dad just yelled at me some more, and told me to go away since I wasn’t helping. I remember walking back into the kitchen where my friend was, and just sort of shrugging my shoulders with tears in my eyes, and thinking, this is what I go through everyday now, this is my reality, and I was glad that he was there, when I really needed a friend.